Are We Just Going to Kill *Everyone* Who Disagrees?
The following excerpt is from the introduction to my upcoming book, Love Goes First. Although I wrote these words months ago, in light of Charlie Kirk’s assassination this week they seem particularly relevant.
“Whether you are a vegan or a West Texas wildcatter, whether you are a Hasidic Jew or a gun owner, whether you are an environmental activist or a religious conservative—and even if you are all of the above—there are millions of other people who want the exact opposite thing from what you want, and millions of people who are working to oppose what you want and implement its opposite. In the words of Mike Tyson, “Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth.” What’s your plan to reach those people and win them over to your point of view?
Good intentions will not be enough. You can say you want world peace, but unless you have a plan to win over the people who want war, and unless you are willing to back that up with conviction and sacrificial action, your good intentions won’t amount to all that much.
Gaining political power and achieving electoral victories can seem like the answer, but political power is by its nature impermanent and incomplete. Even if your party wins at the ballot box, there will still be millions of people who voted against what you voted for, people who will then work hard to overturn whatever the last election made possible. Political victories are usually short-lived. There is always another election in the future, and political popularity tends to swing like a pendulum between opposing parties—who is up will then be down, and vice versa.
No, political power alone will not get us what we want. So how do we motivate deeper change than the changes wrought at the ballot box? How do we change the people on the other side?
Of course, there have always been people throughout history who decided that reaching their opponents was a fool’s errand and that violence was the best way to overcome division—just kill the people in the way. Violence is effective, but only in the short term. This is because controlling and coercing other people through violence will constantly require more and more violence just to maintain control, and soon the path of violence will become an all-encompassing end in itself—a police state requires a lot of policing. Are you going to kill everyone who stands in the way? And in the end, of course, we cannot actually side-step the moral question anyway: Each of us will have to stand before the Lord on judgment day, and may God have mercy on the ones who chose to live by the sword. Violence is not the answer.
Whoever we are, we must confront the stone-cold fact that in this country there are millions of people who do not like us or think like us or believe like us—people who want the exact opposite of what we want—and they aren’t going anywhere.
For Christians the question of how to reach those who hate us has a particular urgency because Jesus has told us that reaching every single people group on earth is the church’s divine purpose: “Go and make disciples of all nations” (Matt. 28:19). In the divided world in which we find ourselves, how are we going to reach the people who do not share our beliefs? What do we do now? Is there any way to break through and reach the people on the other side?
There is, and this book is about how to do it. I am tired of just talking about the problems that divide us, and so this is a book about how to go on offense. I’m writing as a pastor interested in equipping people to take action, to reach across division. This book is about how we, as American Christians, can reach the people who believe we are the problem, those who hate us and all we stand for. And though our situation might seem difficult, this book is not a complaint or an indulgent excuse, it is a way forward. Which is good, because with regard to its divine mission of reaching the world, the church is facing an unprecedented challenge….”
This book can’t get here soon enough—the release date is October 7. Please pre-order and help get the word out.
Photo of My African House
I have a new book coming out in October. It’s called Love Goes First: Reaching Others in an Age of Anxiety and Division.
In a world of division and polarization, how we do actually reach the people on the other side? That’s what my new book is about.
My mom recently digitized some old photos, and she shared a couple of them on our family text thread. The photos made me think of a little story I tell in the book, which I share below, and I thought the photos might help you get a sense of the story.
In the photo at the top of the post, you can see the house we lived in, perched as it was on the side of a small mountain in Freetown, Sierra Leone, West Africa. From our house, you could see all the way to the harbor (Freetown has a natural deep water harbor) and the ocean.
Sierra Leonean women carry their burdens on their heads. In the second photo above, you can see the women carrying bundles of firewood, with which they will make charcoal. I’m pretty sure that leafy tree on the left of the photo is a mango tree, though it’s hard to tell.
The reason I point out the mango tree is because of an anecdote I relate in my upcoming book (pre-order!) about something my mom would say to us when we wanted play in a nearby mango tree. I share the excerpt below.
“They’re More Scared of You Than You Are of Them”
When I was a little boy, I lived with my family on the side of a small green mountain in West Africa. Our house on the verdant mountainside was surrounded by mango trees. Mangoes are good for eating and mango trees are good for climbing, and the best mango tree for climbing was the big one at our neighbor’s house. Our neighbor lived across a small, shallow valley from our house, and there were two ways to get there: the long way and the short way. The long way was the road, which curved around the side of the valley in a broad loop. Since boys don’t like taking the long way, we never took the road. It was far better and faster to cut across the valley, following a small dirt footpath that ran directly to our neighbor’s house. This path cut through a shallow bowl of tall reeds and grasses, reeds so tall that once you entered the path, you could see neither right nor left. At times, as my brother and I ran along the path, we’d spot a black form with a red belly rustling and slithering across the path in front of us: a spitting cobra. My love for climbing the good climbing tree at my neighbor’s house made me want to cross the valley, but I always did so with a fear of meeting a cobra. I would run along the path so fast it felt as if my feet barely touched the ground.
Our green little mountain was infested with spitting cobras, which are exactly what they sound like: cobras that rear up and spit venom at the eyes of their prey. Once, my nearsighted dad came around the corner of our house and startled one of these snakes, which swayed up and spit venom at him. Fortunately, my nearsighted dad wears glasses, and when he came sprinting back inside the house, we could see the milky venom dripping off his lenses. I’ve never liked cobras.
My brother and I would whine about the snakes living around us, but my mom adopted her Pollyanna persona and wouldn’t accept our complaints. She would tell us, “Boys, they are more scared of you than you are of them.” I think she got her herpetological information from that scene in The Parent Trap where the gold-digging fiancée is set up by the twins and convinced to tap sticks together to scare off California bears. My mom’s advice was essentially to make lots of noise whenever we ran around outside, certain that our noisemaking would scare away any lurking cobras. Sometimes, as we ran across the valley to that wonderful mango tree for climbing, we’d clap our hands and yell like little idiots, hoping that our mom was right and all the cobras were fleeing before us.
But if I’m honest, even as a small boy I had my doubts about the truth of her claim about the psychological state of our neighborhood cobras— “Boys, they’re more scared of you than you are of them”— primarily because it didn’t seem possible for a venomous, coldhearted reptile to experience terror greater than the kind I felt as an imaginative little boy. Even to this day I do not care for snakes and find it entirely appropriate that the Bible tells us it was a serpent that brought evil into Eden. But now, as an adult, I have decided that my mother was more right than she realized. She may not have known anything about snakes, but her insight is accurate when applied to other people: They tend to be more scared of you than you are of them.
Now, of course, it is not actually true that everyone nearby is walking around in fear of your presence—to say that other people are “more scared of you than you are of them” is a bit tongue-in-cheek. What I mean when I use that phrase is that people are naturally reactive; we observe what others do and how others act before we decide how we will act. To act first, therefore, without regard to how someone else is acting is a radical departure from the natural human tendency. So though other people are probably not shaking in their boots when they see you coming, they are nevertheless naturally inclined to base their actions off whatever you do….
[end of excerpt]
I’m excited about this upcoming book, and I want to get the message out. If you’d pre-order a copy at your preferred bookseller, it would really help, because pre-orders communicate to the booksellers that this is a book they should get behind and really market.
July 4, 1826
I have a new book coming out in October. It’s called Love Goes First: Reaching Others in an Age of Anxiety and Division. The book is about how we can actually move forward and reach the people who disagree with us, even the people who hate us.
(Please pre-order! Here’s the Amazon pre-order page, though you can pre-order at any bookseller you prefer. Every single pre-order sale will help get the message of the book out, because pre-order sales tell booksellers if a book is worth pushing and investing in.)
One of the things I do in the book is include lots of examples that illustrate what it means to go first, including one about July 4, 1826. So, here on the Fourth of July, allow me to share with you a few pages from my book.
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on the fiftieth anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1826. Jefferson died at Monticello, his Virginia home, at around one o’clock in the afternoon. He was eighty-three years old. That same afternoon, Adams lay on his own deathbed, surrounded by loved ones: “Adams lay peacefully, his mind clear, by all signs. Then late in the afternoon, according to several who were present in the room, he stirred and whispered clearly enough to be understood, ‘Thomas Jefferson survives.’”
Then a few hours later, at about six-twenty in the evening, John Adams died. He was ninety years old. Both men had lived to see the fiftieth anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, and each man died believing the other still survived. The fact that they both died on the same day is amazing. The fact that they died as friends is a miracle.
Both Adams and Jefferson were relatively young men when they were tasked by the Continental Congress with the writing of the document that would enumerate the reasons the thirteen colonies were declaring their independence from King George—when the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776, Adams was forty and Jefferson only thirty-three. Although their signatures on the document prove that they were united in spirit and purpose at that point in their lives, as their long and distinguished careers played out, they became bitter enemies and had no contact with each other for years. Both served as president of the United States, but in rival parties, with Jefferson succeeding Adams to the office—two of the great men of the American Revolution implacably estranged from each other.
Their mutual friend—and signer of the Declaration from Pennsylvania—Dr. Benjamin Rush was grieved at the enmity between Adams and Jefferson and tried for several years to get them to reconcile. Then, in December 1811,
just before Christmas, Adams heard again from Benjamin Rush who wished to remind him of a visit Adams had had the summer before from two young men from Virginia. They were brothers named Coles, Albemarle County neighbors of Jefferson’s, and in the course of conversation Adams had at length exclaimed, “I have always loved Jefferson and I still love him.” This had been carried back to Monticello, and was all Jefferson needed to hear. To Rush he wrote, “I only needed this knowledge to revive toward him all the affections of the most cordial moments of our lives.” “And now, my dear friend,” declared Rush to Adams, “permit me again to suggest to you to receive the olive branch offered to you by the hand of a man who still loves you.”
On New Year’s Day 1812, seated at his desk in the second- floor library, Adams took up his pen to write a short letter to Jefferson. . . .
The brief letter from Adams immediately produced a response in Jefferson:
If, as stage-managed by Rush, it had been left to Adams to make the first move, Jefferson more than fulfilled his part. “A letter from you calls up recollections very dear to my mind,” he continued. “It carried me back to the times when, beset with difficulties and dangers, we were fellow laborers in the same cause, struggling for what is most valuable to man, his right of self-government.”
In the fourteen years that followed their dramatic reconciliation, both men exchanged dozens and dozens of letters on every possible topic. Though they were both old men in those years, they recalled and relived the months and moments of that bright time in their lives, decades before, when they were part of the great events of the American Revolution. Their letters are a precious gift to posterity and part of the inheritance of all subsequent Americans.
They are also a testament to the life-changing power of forgiveness and the catalyzing potential of going first. What if, resisting Dr. Rush’s prodding, Adams had refused to send his initial letter to Jefferson? What if Jefferson, nursing decades-old grievances, had refused to reply? I find it fascinating—though not at all surprising—that these great men of American history just needed someone to go first to turn them back toward each other and move them toward reconciliation. They each wanted to be liked by the other. For Jefferson, what moved him was the repetition in his presence of a chance favorable remark Adams had uttered to someone else; for Adams, it was the knowledge that Jefferson still loved him and had said so in a letter to Rush. The whole story is beautiful—a little jewel of American history.
Happy Fourth, everyone.
Note: the block quotations above are from David McCullough’s biography of John Adams.
My One Word for 2025
Longtime (or should it be long-suffering?) readers will be familiar with this exercise: for a over a decade now I have had fun with the idea of adopting one word as a theme for the upcoming year.
For 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2017, I stuck with the same word: early. My emphasis was not on punctuality but was rather about mornings and deadlines.
In 2018 I slightly pivoted and went explicitly with morning. I kept the same word in 2019; that 2019 post is probably my favorite thing I’ve ever written, because in it I was able to talk about how I see the world and why.
In 2020 (poignant now to think about writing that post just a few months before the pandemic) I departed from one word and went with a theme for the decade: “Here’s To the Roaring Twenties.”
In 2021, I went back to one word and picked the word “work.”
That 2021 post was the last one I did in this series—I didn’t pick a word for 2022, 2023, or 2024. In fact, I haven’t written very much in this space these last several years, as I’ve just been too busy with other things. That is going to change in 2025.
One Word and My Job
Each job is difficult in its own way—all professions have their own challenges. I’m a pastor, and the hardest thing about being in pastoral ministry—by far!—is preaching every week. Just imagine having to stand up in front of a group of people every single week and being tasked with saying something
true;
helpful;
and crucially…
interesting.
And then having to do the same thing again in just seven days! In only a few months you’ll have burned through every insight, anecdote, and illustration you have, but the calendar never stops—there is always another Sunday. New content doesn’t just appear because you pray for it—it takes work. Then, on top of that, you are preaching God’s Good News, and so your countenance and heart need to reflect that—you’ve got to preach with JOY, which means you have to work hard to guard your heart and your energy so that you can actually be joyful every Sunday. None of that is easy.
But I’ve stupidly made things more difficult for me at Asbury with these scripture reading guides we publish. We say that Asbury is a Bible-reading church, and since I arrived two and a half years ago, I’ve written these guides to help folks get the most out of their daily readings. The problem is that I don’t know anything! I’ve got to read and study a great deal before I’m able to write anything. So, in addition to each Sunday’s sermon, I have these constant deadlines every couple of months or so to turn in a scripture reading guide to our printer so we can print our guides in advance. It’s like I have two different deadlines always over my head—my weekly sermon, and then these monthly reading guides. That has been stressful! I always feel like I’m behind.
Of course, I have regular tasks to tend to as well—emails and meetings and agendas and strategies, etc. (All email written to me—except from staff members—goes to my assistant. I can’t imagine having to also answer all the email she receives on my behalf!) My temptation is to get to these things first and put off the reading and writing I need to do. I like my work and these days none of it is a waste of time or unimportant—the problem for me is that the most important thing I should be doing every day—reading and learning—is easy to push off and allow other things to crowd it out.
So, my one word for 2025 is about getting to the important task of reading right away, every day. Email, text messages, agendas—that all needs to wait.
My One Word and Marie Kondo
I’m the kind of person who likes clean edges and clear spaces before I can do any kind of deep work. Clutter and mess stress me out. The problem is that I have developed some bad habits that contribute to my own mess! Namely, I will often just put something down rather than putting it away. (Anyone else have that stupid habit?) What this means is that I make double the work for myself in cleaning up clutter, which means I have less time for the really important work that I need to be doing.
One of the things I’m going to do better in 2025 is putting things away rather than just putting them down, and my 2025 One Word will help keep me focused on that goal.
My One Word and The Snoze Button
I’ve written previously just how important early mornings are for me. I begin the day with prayer and then—in theory at least—I hit my morning workout. In 2024 I’ve been extremely inconsistent with my morning workouts, basically for one reason—I hit snooze when my alarm goes off! (My wife is not a fan of this behavior of mine, by the way.) So, what has been happening is that I still get up early, but because I haven’t gotten up quite early enough, I don’t have time to both pray and hit my workout. So, I skip the workout.
My One Word for 2025 is about getting up right away and getting right to those crucial behaviors—morning prayer and morning exercise. Goodbye to the snooze button for 2025. It’s been fun while it lasted, and I’m gonna kinda miss ya.
My One Word and The American Buffalo
One of my favorite animals is the buffalo, and one of my favorite characteristics of the buffalo is that, when a buffalo herd sees a snowstorm on the horizon, it charges into the storm. Why? Because then the storm will pass over more quickly.
I love that, and I want to be that kind of man—if there is a problem to be dealt with, might as well deal with it right away. For me, this is a “growth opportunity” as they say in Corporate America—or, to be more candid, I’m not naturally very buffalo-like, but I want to be!
My One Word for 2025 is about facing problems head on—going right toward the hard thing.
My One Word and My New Book!
I mentioned above that I’ve had two deadlines hanging over my head constantly since I’ve been at Asbury, but that’s actually not the full story—it would be more accurate to say that I’ve had a third deadline hanging over my entire life these past several years.
In 2020 I signed a contract with the book publisher Zondervan to write a book with the working title Love Goes First, and, incredibly, that book will be published this year—the tentative release date is September 16, 2025. For years I’ve had that major project hanging over my head, and it’s hard to believe that I’m very close to actually having a book published.
The idea behind the book is a simple answer to an important question. There is lots of talk these days about polarization, but very little talk about what we actually DO to reach the people that don't like us, the people that might even hate us. My new book is about what to DO. If we want to change the world, we have to go first, because love goes first.
I filmed a 90 second video trailer for the new book:
I open the book with this quotation, one that I think about all the time:
“Every one of us came into the world looking for one thing: the moment we were born we were looking for a face. We were born and in the shock and surprise of birth we opened our eyes and we looked for a face, because until we see a face—until another sees us—we do not know who we are, and we looked for someone who would look at us….Every human being…is looking for someone who is looking for us.” —Andy Crouch
If this is true about people—and I believe it is—then what if we moved toward other people so that they felt like we were actually seeing them?
That’s the idea of the book.
Love always GOES.
And that’s the only way to actually change people—to go first.
My One Word for 2025 is also the theme of my new book. I really believe in its message and I believe that going first is the only way forward for the church in a post-Christian culture—we’ve got to move toward the very people that hate us.
My One Word and The Year Ahead
I’ve got a lot to do this year, but I’m looking forward to it. I’ve never written a book but after going to all this trouble, I really want people to read it because I believe in the message. So, although the good folks at Zondervan have their own marketing plan, as the author I am also responsible for doing everything I can do get the word out about my new book. One of the things I’m going to be doing is blogging more in this space, both about the book and the need for its message and about other things that catch my attention. Who knows, maybe a podcast might be in my future, too. There’s a first time for everything.
My One Word for 2025 describes what I anticipate to be a year of new things for me.
My One Word for 2025 is…
Over the last few days I’ve done a year-end review and had a fair amount of time for reflection, looking back and thanking God for all his blessings on the year past and then looking ahead and asking the Lord to guide me and bless my work in the year ahead. I cast around for the right word to give me focus for this new year, but nothing seemed to stick.
And then this morning, it just hit me, and I knew what my One Word for 2025 had to be.
My One Word for 2025 is
first.